I talked recently about my obsession with the scale and how I was trying to break that. But I failed to mention why this came about.

When I was in high school, I was never thin. I loved food too much. I loved to eat. So despite being very active, I was never smaller than a size 8 maybe? And that was my senior year. I never worried too much about it. After high school, I went to college, and that’s when it all started. The weight gain. After college, I got a desk job and continued my unhealthy eating habits. Sometimes I would exericse, but it wasn’t enough. But still, I didn’t really see myself as fat. And I never weighed myself unless I went to the dr and then I wouldn’t look at the number.

And then there was that day in 2006. I remember it like yesterday. I decided I needed to finally lose some weight. I had been having some heart palpitations and just overall felt very unhealthy. So I went to my local Weight Watchers. And I stepped on that scale and took a deep breath. And I watched the woman write down 201 lbs on my card.

I truly know how those Biggest Loser contestants feel that first day when they step on that scale. It is a horrible feeling.

To be continued…

5 miles today in 59 minutes. My ankle was really bothering me today so I had to stop and stretch it out a few times. But overall not a bad run. And it’s a beautiful day! 50 degrees and sunny. Perfection!

One of my favorite snacks: greek yogurt, blueberries and sunflower seeds.

Tonight’s run was muggy and sticky. 60 degrees and 80% humidity. But oddly I felt good the whole time. Maybe I do better with the humidity? Anyway, 3 miles done in the neighborhood. And since the last mile was in the dark, I ran with mace - thanks Crist!) :) ps don’t ever sneak up on me…

Last night I completed workout 9 (I think?) which is chest, shoulders and tricipes. Holy push ups batman. We’re talking one arm pushups (I can barely do one). Pushups where you clap in between. Regular push ups. Slow push ups. I HATE PUSH UPS!!!!!!! But if they will give me ripped arms, I’m going to keep doing it. Over and over again. As long as it takes. We also did some other tricep stuff. I went to Target this weekend and bought some heavier dumbell weights so I can upgrade if I need to. On some of the other videos, my 5 lb dumbells aren’t heavy enough (for example biceps).

Moving right along… Tonight I have a function after work, but when I get home I still have to do core synergistics. (I skipped that one and need to go back. I’m assuming that one is going to kill my abs.

The only thing I really question about 9P0x is why there isn’t more focus on your legs? That is what I REALLY need to work out. So I might have to switch out one of the arm workouts for a another video that works out your legs (thighs/glutes).

I’ve decided not to train for this half marathon in March. And I’m ok with it. More than ok actually.

Most of this decision comes from the fact that right now, my mind just isn’t into it. My heart isn’t either. And that’s a problem. Training for any race is a lot mental and I just can’t get myself there yet.

The other reason is that I just need a break. More than just a 2 month break. I want (or I think I want to) train for another one in the Fall. I’m not ruling it out at least. But I just want to enjoy running for a little while without having to crank out a specific number each.and.every.week. I just want to go to the park and enjoy the run. Whether it’s 2 miles or 5 miles.

I know some people will think of this decision as me “chickening out” or taking the easy way out. Maybe I did. I’m ok with it.  I know I ran one 2 months ago and I’m still pretty damn proud of that! And when the time is right, I’ll be back in the saddle. But for now it’s the right thing for ME to do. And I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off my chest.

I AM however, running several other races in the near future. A 5K that I run every year through the local zoo here, a 10K in March in my hometown and a 10K in April in Charleston.

So don’t worry. My running shoes will stay laced up and still pounding the pavement. Happy running!

My secret obsession and unhealthy relationship with the scale has been ongoing for the last 10 years or so. Whenever I would jump on the weight loss wagon so to speak, the scale always defined how my day would go. I allowed the scales to tell me either “you’re a winner” or “you’re a loser”. Loser of course meaning “you’re a gainer”. This is not healthy and yet I continue to do it anyway.

When I’m off the wagon, I ignore the scale for weeks at a time. You know when you’re weight is higher. You don’t need the scale to tell you. You feel it in your clothes, so you stay as far away from it as possible. Why look at a number that you know will make you sob in your skivvies?

I hate being a slave to the scale. But yet, I know I’ll never be that girl that can pack it away for good (because ultimately I do want to be in the weight bracket I’m supposed to be in for my height). But my hope is that I can pack it away at least for a few weeks at a time. I want to get out of that “let’s lose xx pounds by xx date” mode. I want to focus more on fat loss and getting lean versus just trying to lose x amount of weight by eating carrots and broccoli. Sure, the weight can come off fast by doing that, but it can reappear as fast as you can say bread stick. I’d rather be a few pounds heavier and have a lean, physique than be skinny with saggy skin and no body tone. Grody. (totally professional word I used there, right?)

So that’s my goal: Work on my fitness. Get leaner. Lose inches. Occasionally weigh in and assess progress. But stop the scale obsession. Today.